I cant remember when you stopped hugging me and started choking me.
I wish I understood you.
I wish I didn’t have to try.
I’m sick of second guessing.
I’m sick of asking why.
I can’t wait to go home.
I can’t wait to say goodbye.
But when you’re gone,
I miss you as the days go by.
You don’t need to do anything,
You won’t even have to try.
The girl that used to watch the world go by suddenly realized that the world had left her behind.
Words never come out of me willingly.
I weep them out.
I bleed them out.
It starts in your stomach.
You feel it begin to boil.
Your muscles begin to clench.
Your teeth grind together.
Your fists are suddenly balled.
Your heart is pounding so hard you can feel it in your ears.
Your senses have never been this sharp.
Your body is vibrating with adrenaline.
You’re ready to attack.
You launch yourself at him.
Your iron fists collide with his jaw.
You see blood fly across the room in slow motion.
That one punch would have been enough to knock him out cold.
But you cannot and will not stop yourself.
You feel invincible.
You pick him back up and your attack is merciless.
You use every single limb in your body to destroy him.
You hear the wet thump of your fist connecting with his bloodied face over and over again.
You feel his hot blood spray across your face.
You feel a shudder.
You look down, your chest heaving, your arms still curled up, ready to annihilate any sign of life.
You see before you a tangled mass of bone blood and skin.
You drop his lifeless body on the ground.
You are bathed in his blood, its dripping all around you.
It trickles down your face, past your lips.
You slowly lick it off.
Warm, metallic, tangy and oddly sweet.
17 years and 364 days had passed.
It was bitterly cold and I was cold and bitter.
I needed to get out.
Two phone calls and a car ride later we were sitting in his room,
admiring a bottle of black label.
We went up to the roof to look at the stars.
There were none.
One sip. two sip. three sip. four.
The layers came off,
the rest was a blur.
A mixture of ecstasy and shame.
A moment of clarity.
An almost empty bottle lying on the floor.
Before I knew it I was home.
Swaying and willing myself to hold the whiskey in.
An eternity in a spinning elevator can make you sick to your stomach.
I wiped my mouth and stood under the shower with all my clothes on.
At twelve my phone began to ring.
Over and over again.
I couldn’t even open my eyes.
Everything went black.
I woke up the next morning still drunk from the night before,
to flashes of clinking glasses and clumsy bodies writhing on the floor
My initiation into adulthood was complete.
I was fucked.
No one ever knows who you really are.
You try to show them how you see yourself and in return they show you how they see you.
The picture they paint is rosy.
The qualities they see scare you because you think they don’t actually exist.
You find yourself wanting to fit into the mould their expectations have set.
So you try.
Self improvement is great…
Just as long as you remember to stop becoming once in a while, and just be.
She vibrated with anticipation. She tried to keep her composure but her wet palms, slick with sweat simply wouldn’t cooperate. She wiped her hands on her cotton skirt and reached out to spin the bottle. Her eyes looked all around him, but never at him.
As her hand touched the bottle she caught the gaze of the pretty girl sitting right next to him. Their eyes locked for a micro-millionth of a second and she spun the bottle with a prayer on her lips.
Their little world sat still as the bottle merrily turned oblivious to the tension in the room. Everyone’s eyes fixed on the mouth of the bottle.
As it entered its final revolution she held her breath and closed her eyes.
The room gasped in unison, her eyes flew open and immediately searched for his face.
He looked excited, but his eyes were locked on the bottle. She looked down and noticed the bottle was aimed not at him but at the pretty girl that sat next to him.
The two girls got up and walked to the large walk in closet, while their eyes were fixed on the floor.
The pretty girl shut the door, took her hand and pulled her close.
Their eyes met again.
The pretty girl smiled sadly as the distance between their faces closed.
She closed her eyes just as their lips touched. She pictured his face. She pretended the lips she was kissing were his.
The pretty girl left her eyes wide open, there was nowhere else she would rather be, there were no other lips she would rather kiss.
Together they tasted joy, sorrow and everything in between. Their lips unlocked and suddenly everything was clear.
A minute in heaven is worth a lifetime in hell, and they had seven.
They came out of the closet, together.
Be my distraction darling.
I promise, it’s just for a while.
I’ve got a million thoughts erupting in my mind.
I cant seem to focus, so lets go get a drink.
I’m dying to drown my brain, so i don’t have to think.
I’m always aware of the time.
Not in the ‘it’s-half-past-seven’ kind of way.
The stress of seconds lost, consumes me everyday.
I’m scared all the time.
What am I afraid of?
Oh dear, how could I possibly explain?
Well lets put it this way.
I’m afraid of nothing and everything.
What does that mean?
Well it’s quite simple, really.
I’m afraid of trying everything.
And I’m afraid of being nothing.
There’s so many things I want to do!
But I’m afraid to start.
The truth, my love.. Is that I’m so scared of losing.
But, what scares me even more is winning.
Whats going on inside that pretty little head of yours?
I sit here, staring into your eyes.
I long to be transported into your mind.
But your eyes aren’t a door.
They’re the watchtowers of an impregnable fortress.
What secrets are you hiding?
What demons are you fighting?
I crave to know your thoughts as intimately as i know my own.
I long for you to bare your soul.
I want to be an insider looking out,
not an outsider looking in.