I cant remember when you stopped hugging me and started choking me.
I wish I understood you.
I wish I didn’t have to try.
I’m sick of second guessing.
I’m sick of asking why.
I can’t wait to go home.
I can’t wait to say goodbye.
But when you’re gone,
I miss you as the days go by.
You don’t need to do anything,
You won’t even have to try.
The girl that used to watch the world go by suddenly realized that the world had left her behind.
Words never come out of me willingly.
I weep them out.
I bleed them out.
It starts in your stomach.
You feel it begin to boil.
Your muscles begin to clench.
Your teeth grind together.
Your fists are suddenly balled.
Your heart is pounding so hard you can feel it in your ears.
Your senses have never been this sharp.
Your body is vibrating with adrenaline.
You’re ready to attack.
You launch yourself at him.
Your iron fists collide with his jaw.
You see blood fly across the room in slow motion.
That one punch would have been enough to knock him out cold.
But you cannot and will not stop yourself.
You feel invincible.
You pick him back up and your attack is merciless.
You use every single limb in your body to destroy him.
You hear the wet thump of your fist connecting with his bloodied face over and over again.
You feel his hot blood spray across your face.
You feel a shudder.
You look down, your chest heaving, your arms still curled up, ready to annihilate any sign of life.
You see before you a tangled mass of bone blood and skin.
You drop his lifeless body on the ground.
You are bathed in his blood, its dripping all around you.
It trickles down your face, past your lips.
You slowly lick it off.
Warm, metallic, tangy and oddly sweet.
17 years and 364 days had passed.
It was bitterly cold and I was cold and bitter.
I needed to get out.
Two phone calls and a car ride later we were sitting in his room,
admiring a bottle of black label.
We went up to the roof to look at the stars.
There were none.
One sip. two sip. three sip. four.
The layers came off,
the rest was a blur.
A mixture of ecstasy and shame.
A moment of clarity.
An almost empty bottle lying on the floor.
Before I knew it I was home.
Swaying and willing myself to hold the whiskey in.
An eternity in a spinning elevator can make you sick to your stomach.
I wiped my mouth and stood under the shower with all my clothes on.
At twelve my phone began to ring.
Over and over again.
I couldn’t even open my eyes.
Everything went black.
I woke up the next morning still drunk from the night before,
to flashes of clinking glasses and clumsy bodies writhing on the floor
My initiation into adulthood was complete.
I was fucked.
No one ever knows who you really are.
You try to show them how you see yourself and in return they show you how they see you.
The picture they paint is rosy.
The qualities they see scare you because you think they don’t actually exist.
You find yourself wanting to fit into the mould their expectations have set.
So you try.
Self improvement is great…
Just as long as you remember to stop becoming once in a while, and just be.